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Tue, Apr. 4th, 2006, 04:54 pm

(Starting a new RP)

Rachel is reading a scripture about the great Glorvehku (it's the demon the Woop Cult worships) in the cult's library. The cult house is surprisingly quiet. Walter is in his room possibly gutting his newest victim with the demon janitor bitching about the mess he is making. Demon #4 is doing unspeakable things with a dead fish and Demon #2 is pillaging some hobo down the street. Yes, it's a typical day in the cult house.

Yeah, right! Just as Rachel is admiring the tranquility of the cult house, a brick crashes through a window which is conveniently located near Rachel. (isn't that convenient?) Upon further expection, Rachel notices a note that is secured to the brick by a rubber band. She reads the note aloud

Rachel: "We, the Christian community of Silent Hill, demand that you, the Woop Cult, abandon your satanic beliefs and convert to Christianity. Christianity is the only pathway to god and if you are not Christian, you are evil and you are going straight to Hell. Only by surrendering yourself to our religion, will you be a better person. Everyone knows that Christians are kind and tolerant people. This is why we cannot tolerate your behavior and we ask that you convert. If you do not obey these orders, we will be forced to resort to violence.

(Note: This RP is making fun of fundamentalist Christians. I know that all Christians aren't this narrow minded. Please don't take offense. This is a joke.)

Tue, Apr. 4th, 2006 09:32 pm (UTC)

(GASP! I can't believe you posted all those bad things about Christians! I am offended so greatly you cannot comprehand the extent of which I am offended! >( )

Christa: *Runs in* Rachel! Some guy came in complaining that our cat stole some of his fish. I had Walter take care of it-hey, whatcha reading?

Tue, Apr. 4th, 2006 09:52 pm (UTC)

(Cry a river, build a bridge and get over it >P )

Rachel: It's a threat from the Christian community of Silent Hill. *hands the letter to Christa*
Christa: Oh, come on! What could a bunch of Christians do to the invincible Woop cult?
Demon #4: And... finished! Okay, here's the fishie! *hands the fish to Christa* I don't need her anymore.
Fish: *cry*

Tue, Apr. 4th, 2006 09:58 pm (UTC)

(No, YOU cry a river, build a bridge and get over it!)

Christa: Why is this fish all sticky?
Rachel: I think you might want to throw that away and wash your hands. Quickly. Like now.

Tue, Apr. 4th, 2006 10:11 pm (UTC)

(What if I don't want to cry a river, build a bridge and get over it? Huh? What do you have to say about that? HUH?!)

Christa: *throws away the fish*
Demon #4: *notices a fish in the trashcan* Oooh! fishie! *eats the fish*
*A Christian is tossed through the other window*
Christian: *bleeding very badly* Uhh... message.. from.. the Christian community of... Silent Hill...
Rachel: Oh, thank you *takes the letter* Walter! Can you get this man to a hospital?
Walter: I'd be happy to assist him. Please, follow me into the torture chamber.
Christian: Don't you mean hospital?
Walter: Uh.. yes. Say, have you seen Passion of the Christ?
Christian: Yes! I took my three year old to see it. Why?
Walter: Well, you're about to experience the same torture ^^
Christian: Goodie! ^^

Tue, Apr. 4th, 2006 10:21 pm (UTC)

(Oh, you want to. You know you want to.)

Rachel: Wait, did Demon #4 just eat that fish?
Christa: Yes
Rachel: With that stuff on it?
Christa: Yes, why?
Rachel: Didn't you read the "Demon Raising Handbook"
Christa: Pssh, no. Who needs reading?
Rachel: Christa, I think Demon #4 might get *dramatic pause* pregnant

*Dramatic music!*

Tue, Apr. 4th, 2006 10:29 pm (UTC)

Christa: You mean, Demon #4 will get pregnant by eating a fish covered in... man sauce?
Rachel: Yes! *dramatic music*
Christa: How is that possible? Does he have ovaries and a uterus in his esophagus?
Rachel: Yes! *dramatic music*
Christa: So that makes Demon #4 a female?
Rachel: Yes! *dramatic music*
Christa: Yet he has a penis. A very, very, very, very, very, very, very tiny penis.
Rachel: Yes! *dramatic music*
Christa: Demon #4 is a hermaphrodite?
Rachel: Yes! *dramatic music*
Christa: So the sperm Demon #4 left on the fish could meet with one of Demon #4's eggs located in his esophagus, thus impregnanting the demon?
Rachel: Yes! *dramatic music*
Christa: Who keeps playing that dramatic music?
Demon Janitor: *in a corner with a radio* Finally, after years of saving, I finally bought myself a radio
Demon #4: Mmm.. radio! *eats radio*
Demon Janitor: Noooooo!!

*No dramatic music*

Rachel: *whips out a stereo and plays the dramatic music*

Tue, Apr. 4th, 2006 10:37 pm (UTC)

Christa: Since when did this become a soap opera?
Rachel: Just now
Christa: Oh, ok. I guess that means Demon #4 is going to be a dad...and a mom...
Rachel: Well, it's not definite. We need to be sure. Christa, go to the store and buy a pregnancy test!
Christa: Why me?
Rachel: Because I said so
Christa: *sulk* Ok...
Rachel: Oh and-*plays dramatic music*

Tue, Apr. 4th, 2006 10:42 pm (UTC)

Christa: *takes Rachel's stereo*
Rachel: ... *cries* I feel naked without my stereo
Demon Janitor: Oh, my stomach... The bad images are back...

Christa: *at the pharamacy* Wow, they have an infinite supply of condoms... *looks at Demon #4* Why couldn't you wear one, you careless bastard!
Demon #4: Ooooh! Taco! *notices a guy in a taco suit nearby... don't ask why a guy in a taco suit was near the condoms*
Christa: Don't eat a man in a taco suit! It's bad for the babies
Demon #4: We're gonna eat us some babies?
Christa: No, you're having a baby! Or, you might.
Demon #4: How did I get a baby?
Christa: You ate a fish covered in man sauce.
Demon #4: What's man sauce?
Christa: Uhh... nevermind. Ah, here are the pregnancy tests *takes one*
Christian woman near the condoms: *GLARE* You whore! You shall pay for your sins of the flesh!
Christa: What th-
Christian woman near the condoms: *throws stones at Christa*
Christa: Ah! My organs!
Demon #4: *eats the guy in the taco suit* That would've been better with that man sauce I've heard about. *pays no attention to Christa as she is attacked*

(the condom aisle of this pharmacy has become a war zone o.o )

Tue, Apr. 4th, 2006 10:51 pm (UTC)

Christa: Ahhh!! Demon #4! Help me!
Demon #4: Taco! *runs around in circles*
Christian Women: Feel the wrath of god!
Christa: Help meee!!
Crazed Employee: Hey! Don't injure our customers!!
*Crazed Employee throws a bottle of birth control pills at Christian Women, all hell breaks loose*

Tue, Apr. 4th, 2006 10:58 pm (UTC)

Christian Women: You cannot use birth control pills! Birth control prevents women from giving birth to Christian babies! Our brainwashing facility gets its business by brainwashing children! *rage!!*
Christa: I just wanted to buy a pregnancy test! *cries and she's stuck in the middle*
Demon #4: Ooh! Mints! *eats the birth control pills* They aren't minty! Everything I know is a lie!!! *screams and jumps out a window*
*A police officer happens upon the chaos and calls for backup*
Officer: It's a P-O-C-W.
Voice on the other line: You mean-
Officer: That's right, Pissed Off Christian Women. Can I shoot them?
Voice on the other side: No, you can't shoot them.
Officer: Well, I'll need some backup then.
(The SWAT team arrives)

Tue, Apr. 4th, 2006 11:12 pm (UTC)

*SWAT team burst in. Customers are screaming, employees are panicking*
Officer: Everyone stay calm!
Christa: Why me? ;.;
Officer: Alright everyone, let's move out! Search the perimeter for any other threats!
*SWAT team splits up*
Crazed Employee: We've never lost a customer at Crack-Mart and we're not going to lose one now!
CW: That girl must be punished!!

Tue, Apr. 4th, 2006 11:16 pm (UTC)

SWAT Officer #1: It's no good. We'll have to use the tear gas!
Crazed Employee: Could that harm the customers?
SWAT Officer #2: That's a risk I'm willing to take. Gas them #1!
SWAT Officer #1: Dude, I have a name. It's Steve
SWAT Officer #2: Just use the gas, gas man!
SWAT Officer #1: *whispers* Jackass
Christa: *runs out of the pharmacy with the pregnancy test*
Demon #4: *eating a car in the parking lot* SUV in my tummy ^^

Tue, Apr. 4th, 2006 11:36 pm (UTC)

Christa: *hears screaming from inside the store. Customers start running out* Thank god that's all over. Let's go home.
Demon #4: Car is delicious!
Chista: *Picks Demon #4 up* C'mon, before something else happens

Tue, Apr. 4th, 2006 11:38 pm (UTC)

Random Customer: Where'd my SUV go? I cannot live in a world without my SUV! *shoots self*
Christa: That was, uh, random *blinks* ... *runs*
Demon #4: That SUV was delicious!
Christian Woman: *picks up a necklace Christa dropped with the Woop crest on it* That girl was a satanic cultist! I must notify the others... *takes out a cellphone*

Tue, Apr. 4th, 2006 11:44 pm (UTC)

*Christa runs through the Woop Cult doors, slamming the door shut behind her. She's out of breath. She drops Demon #4 and he scampers off*
Christa: Why is it that everytime I go to the store, something bad always happens? This is worse than that peanut butter incident.
Christa: Hmm...should I get crunchy or creamy?
Random Customer #1: Get crunchy!
Random Customer #2: Get creamy!
Random Customer #1: Crunchy!
Random Customer #2: Creamy!
*They fight*

Tue, Apr. 4th, 2006 11:48 pm (UTC)

Random Employee: You two are making a lot of noise. Please be quiet.. *grabs a random woman* OR THE BITCH GETS IT!
Random Woman: Don't listen to him! He'll kill me anyway!
Christa: I think I should leave now..
(end of flashback)

Rachel: Oh Christa. I'm glad you're back. Can you go to the store and pick up some groceries?
Christa: *picks up the brick the Christians threw at the window and throws it at Rachel*
Rachel: x.X *unconscious*
Christa: I better help Demon #4 with the pregnancy test. *sigh* This is going to be interesting...

Tue, Apr. 4th, 2006 11:56 pm (UTC)

Christa: Now, what are the instructions for this thing? *reads*
"Thank you for purchasing the OMG Pregnancy Test. The first step to using this is to remove the pregnancy test from the package. SLOWLY! SLOWLY!! Oh god, that was close. Now pour urine over the strip. Yeah, that's right, I said it. You gotta pee on it. Haha, sucks to be you, don't it? Well you should've thought about this before you got pregnant, huh? HUH? Hey, don't you stop reading me, you-"
Christa: Gross...how am I going to get Demon #4 to do this?

Wed, Apr. 5th, 2006 12:04 am (UTC)

Christa: Okay Demon #4. Lis- Hey, don't eat the toliet paper! Demon #4! Look at me, look at me! Ah, screw this! *duct tapes Demon #4 to the toliet so he stops moving and is staring at Christa* Okay, I need you to urinate on this.
Demon #4: *stares*
Christa: Pee. I need you to pee on this.
Demon #4: *stares*
Christa: You know.. the yellow stuff that comes out of you.
Demon #4: *stares*
Christa: You don't know how to pee, do you?
Demon #4: *stares* ... Your head smells like a ham!
Christa: *anime falling down pose* This is going to be harder than I thought... *leaves the room and comes back with a hose* Okay, I am going to make you pee!! *shoves the hose in Demon #4's mouth, thus forcing the demon to drink galloons of water*

Wed, Apr. 5th, 2006 12:07 am (UTC)

Demon #4: *swells up like a balloon*
Christa: This should do it *turns off water* and since I'm not going anywhere never a demon's private parts... *tapes pregnancy test under Demon #4* Now it's just a matter of waiting...

Wed, Apr. 5th, 2006 12:09 am (UTC)

(Eight hours later...)
Demon #4: *is still a swollen balloon*
Christa: How long is this going to take?!

Wed, Apr. 5th, 2006 12:21 am (UTC)

Christa: Does it even pee at all?! Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever seen a demon use the bathroom...except the bathroom demon.
Christa: Hey, bathroom demon! Are you done yet? I need to take a shower!
Bathroom Demon: Just a minute! *grunts, then horrific icky noises are heard*
Christa: Uh, are you okay?
Bathroom Demon: I said just a minute! Geez... *more horrific icky noises, followed by screaming. A horrible smell drifts through the door. Christa turns green*
Christa: Urrrk! *runs away*
*End flashback*
Christa: *turning green at remember* I still haven't gotten over that...

Wed, Apr. 5th, 2006 12:25 am (UTC)

Bathroom Demon: Can you guys hurry up? *holds stomach* Damn Mexican food! *groans*
Christa: *rips Demon #4 off the toliet and runs away, screaming*
Demon #4: *screams with her*
Christa: Someone has to know how to tell if a demon is pregnant, but who... WHO?
Demon #4: I know!
Christa: Oh jeez...
Demon #4: Demon babies come from stork demons! ^^

Wed, Apr. 5th, 2006 12:28 am (UTC)

Demon #2: Hey guys! What's up?
Christa: Demon #2, you're a demon right?
Demon #2: ....yes...
Christa: Do you know how to tell if a demon's pregnant?
Demon #2: I don't, but the Demon Nursemaid does
Christa: We have a Demon Nursemaid?
Demon #2: Of course!
Christa: Where is she?

Wed, Apr. 5th, 2006 12:30 am (UTC)

Demon #2: I think she went to the pharmacy.
Christa: ... You're kidding, right?
Demon #2: Nope. I saw her leave and she said, and I quote "I am going to the pharmacy".
Christa: *cries* Why? Why?!
Demon #4: *imitates Christa* Why? Why?!
Christa: *snaps* SHUT UP, YOU F***ING RETARD!!
Demon #4: *giggles*

Wed, Apr. 5th, 2006 12:37 am (UTC)

Christa: Demon #2, I want you to carefully monitor Demon #4
Demon #2: Aw damn...
Christa: This time, I'm going prepared! No more chaos! No more warfare! I'm going undercover!
*Christa puts on a hat and mustache*
Christa: No one will think I'm a Woop Cult with this disguise! I'm so clever...

Wed, Apr. 5th, 2006 12:42 am (UTC)

Rachel: Hey Christa. We need more toliet paper for the Bathroom Demon and- *sees Christa in the disguise* Who the hell are you and what are you doing here? *picks up a wine bottle and slams it against the wall* I'll f***ing cut you!
Christa: o.o! *runs*
Rachel: Yeah! You better run, bitch! *blinks* What happened? I blacked out for a second... Why am I holding a broken bottle?
Demon #2: *looks at Demon #4*
Demon #4: *stares back*
Demon #2: So... *whips out a few bottles of Jack Daniels* Do you want to get wasted?
Demon #4: Will there be giant tacos?
Demon #2: Uh, sure
Demon #4: YAY!

Wed, Apr. 5th, 2006 12:45 am (UTC)

Christa: *runs all the way to the store and stops* Holy crap...I guess Rachel forgot to take her happy pills. Well, now to go find the Demon Nursemaid, buy toilet paper, and get the hell out of here! What could go wrong?

Wed, Apr. 5th, 2006 12:48 am (UTC)

Rachel: *taking her happy pills* I'm so happy... all the time *eye twitches* It's great!! (couldn't resist)

Christian Woman: It is the satanic whore! Prepare yourself for your demise! Now, my Christian minions... form OMEGA BITCH!
(the Christian women come to form a transformer looking housewife armed with a giant mecha cross)
Christa: This is f***ed up right here

Wed, Apr. 5th, 2006 12:53 am (UTC)

Christa: *Quickly puts on hat and mustache*
Christian Women: Huh? Where did so go?! Find her!!!
*The rampage continues*
Christa: Please let me live through this.. *cries as she walks into the store*

Wed, Apr. 5th, 2006 01:05 am (UTC)

Starting a new topic. Please continue there. Thank you