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Thu, Apr. 27th, 2006, 08:05 pm
anaterasu: Suburbanite Evil (It's not Resident Evil, I swear! *swifty eyes*)

(I thought it was about time to start a new RP.)

Rachel: *bursts through the wall* I have big news!
Christa: Tom Cruise finally came out of the closet?
Rachel: No, not yet. *grin* *turns to audience* Yes, I went there. *back to Christa* I got a job at Wall-Mart
Demon Janitor: Oh crap. This is bad
Rachel: Why?
Demon Janitor: You mean you forgot how happened on your past job?
*McDonalds two years ago... It's lunchtime and everyone is happily eating their mediocre artifical meat when suddenly...*
Rachel: *running out of the kitchen with her hand missing* AHH!! THE MEAT GRINDER TOOK MY HAND!!
Customers: O.O! *vomit, throw burgers aside and run*
Rachel: *takes artifical blood soaked arm* Suckers
Manager: *GLARE!*
*End of Flashback*
Demon Janitor: And lets not forget the time you worked at JCPenny
*People are trying on clothes in the dressing room*
Rachel: Dammit! There's no toliet paper in this stall!
Customers: *just stare*
*End of flashback*
Rachel: Well, this is different. It's Wall-Mart. Just look at their new ad
Christa: *reads ad aloud* "Welcome to Wall-Mart. We own your soul" Wow, that's a great marketing campaign.
Rachel: Yeah, I love the smiley face with the crazed expression holding a blood soaked knife. It can only mean good things *nod*
Christa: *nod* I agree. I'm sure nothing out of the ordinary will happen *smile*

Sun, Apr. 30th, 2006 04:49 pm (UTC)

Demon Janitor: "I think I should look for another job. This one doesn't pay well and everyone abuses me."
Rachel: "Shut up and get back to work. Besides, I signed you up for a job at Wal-mart too."
Demon Janitor: "What?"
*first day at Wal-mart. a random customer walks in.
Old Guy: "Welcome to Wal-Mart! I am working here because I have no soul.
Customer: "I don't want to hear your life story. I am here for the great deals on useless crap."
Old Guy: "I hate my life."
Demon Janitor: "You think you have it bad? Let me tell you about my other job."
*Demon Janitor tells the Old Guy a few stories about what he has had to do for the WOOP cult. After just one story, the Old Guy clawed out his own eyes and ate them. He was then fired, but Wal-Mart kept the soul, no returns on souls.
Demon Janitor: "All I told him was about cleaning Walter's room. What a wuss."
*Rachel is having a discussion with the Wal-Mart manager.
Rachel: "So that is how you get a soul out of a body without killing the person."
Manager: "Yes. Now remember, you only can use this information to benefit Wal-Mart."
Rachel: "Can I use it for the WOOP cult?"
Manager: "Your from the WOOP cult?"
Rachel: "Um...yes."
Manager: "Excellent! I have heard of some of your group's work, very impressive. You get promoted to assistant manager."
Demon Janitor: "Can I get a promotion?"
Manager: "Sure we will pay you the same amount as our illegal immigrant workers."
Demon Janitor: "Finally! I job I get paid to do!"
Rachel: "All the money you make is going to the WOOP cult."
Demon Janitor: "...Why can't I be happy for once?"

Sun, Apr. 30th, 2006 09:05 pm (UTC)

Demon Janitor: What do you use my money for anyway?
*Flashback to Rachel and Christa at a male strip joint*
Rachel: Umm... cult stuff?
Raul: *speaking Spanish* (behold the power of translation!) That manager made a racist comment!
Carlos: *speaking Spanish* (more translation) In Mexico, I was a doctor... Now look at me. I'm a fucking cashier. I hate my life. Maybe I should learn English and go to college
Random Assistant Manager: Ah... we got ourselves a free thinker, huh? *drags him into an "Employees Only" room*
*Screams are heard from within the room, until...*
Carlos: *walks out looking like a zombie*
Random Assistant Manager: That's better. Now, get to work
Carlos: Uggh... must... work... register.... WElcome.. to... Wal-Mart
Raul: Que?
Random Assistant Manager: *sigh* They grow up so fast *sniffle* *walks up to the manager* I have another soul to add to our collection *turns to Rachel* Oh, and thanks for the getting a soul out of a body without killing the person idea. Not only are we collecting more souls, but we have loyal zombie employees. This couldn't possibly backfire or anything
Rachel: Exactly ^^
Demon JAnitor: *full of rage* MY PAYCHECK WENT TO MALE STRIPPERS?!?!
Rachel: *nervous* Uhh.. wow! Look at the time! I gotta-uh... do something over there! *runs*

Mon, May. 1st, 2006 02:36 pm (UTC)

*The next day at Wal-Mart.
Rachel: "Your not still mad at me for giving your paycheck to male strippers are you?"
Demon Janitor: "Of course not."
Rachel: "Ok then I am going to my office."
*Rachel enters her assistant manager's office. It has been redecorated with hearts and flowers and it has a stereo that only plays "it's a small world" and a tv that only plays Sailor Moon reruns.
Rachel: "OH DEAR GOD!!!"
*Rachel tries to escape but the door is locked, there are no windows, and all the walls are one foot thick of solid steel.
Demon Janitor: "Revenge is sweet."

Mon, May. 1st, 2006 07:55 pm (UTC)

(Sailor Moon? Now that's just evil ;.; How could you do that?!)
Rachel: *crying* LET ME OUT!
Sailor Moon: Time to wave magical stick thingie around!
Rachel: *screams* *takes a pen and gauges eyes out* That's better
Stereo: It's a small world afterall! It's a small world afterall!
Rachel: *screams*
Demon Janitor: *eats popcorn outside the door* Ahh.. this is better than Broadway *grin*
(You asked for this...)
*Giant female leech appears behind Demon Janitor*
Giant leech: What a cutie!

Sat, May. 20th, 2006 05:36 pm (UTC)

Demon Janitor: "Um...I don't think I am your type."
*Demon Janitor thinks of how to get out of this. He smiles.
Demon Janitor: "Welcome to Wal-Mart! We have a sale on leech-men in aisle 236,802."
Giant Leech: "Finally. A boyfriend that can understand me."
Demon Janitor: "This must be divine punishment for my revenge on Rachel...maybe I did go too far with the Sailor Moon. But she used my paycheck on male strippers."
Zombie Carlos: "WELcomE to WAL-mArt!"
Demon Janitor: "Why am I talking to you?"
*The Demon Janitor frees Rachel from her office and turns off the 'its a small world' and Sailor Moon.
Demon Janitor: "I am ok with my pay going to the cult, but not for your own enjoyment."
Rachel: "You put me in an office with nothing but Sailor Moon and It's a Small World for that? That was cruel and unusual. Now I remember why I hired you in the first place."

Sun, May. 21st, 2006 04:50 am (UTC)

Carlos: *working at customer service*
Random Guy: *walks up to the customer service counter*
Carlos: Welcome to Wal-Mart
Random Guy: Welcome my ass! I hope you're happy with yourself! I'm going out of business thanks to you bastards. You should be ashamed of yourselves! You are forcing millions of sellers out of the market and you should be ashamed
Carlos: *glare* You are displeased with Wal-Mart?
Random Guy: Yes, I am very displeased with Wal-Mart
Carlos: *demonic voice* You shall live to regret those words! *digs hand into the random guy's chest and removes heart*
Random Guy: Hey! I need that to live! Ugh! *dies*
Carlos: *eats heart* *glances upword* Welcome to Wal-Mart *munch*
(I couldn't resist the creepy moment. I mean, this is Wal-Mart)
Rachel: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have urgent cult matters to attend to at that new male strip joint, "Well-Hung". *takes out a wallet with "CHRISTA" written on it* I borrowed this from Christa. I'm sure she won't mind ^^
Christa: *stopped by a police officer* Wow, this is awkward, but, um, I can't find my wallet which had my ID. *nervous sweatdrop*
Police Officer: Come with us ma'am *handcuffs Christa and takes her to jail*
Christa: Why me? ;.;

Tue, May. 23rd, 2006 08:49 pm (UTC)

*At the police station
Police Officer: "According to our records, your name is 'Christa' and you belong to a 'fine religious community'.
Christa: "That is correct."
Police Officer: "So why is it that there is a group of christians rioting outside saying, 'Burn the evil one!'?"
Christa: "...I don't know..."

Tue, May. 23rd, 2006 08:56 pm (UTC)

*After hours of interogation and police brutality...*
Christa: *tied to a stake*
Christians: Burn the witch! Burn the witch!
Random protestor: Fur is murder! Fur is murder!
Random protestor #2: Cancel SouthPark! Cancel South Park!
Random protestor #3: No oil for blood!
Christa: Well, this looks bad but I am confident that the chip I installed into Rachel's brain will soon be activated once it sense my danger and she'll come to my rescue ^^;
Rachel: *at male strip joint* YEAH! TAKE IF OFF! *chip activies* Oh no! Christa is in danger! I must act!
Announcer: And now presenting The Phantom of the Opera
Rachel: *pause* Then again, I could save her later...

Fri, May. 26th, 2006 11:49 pm (UTC)

Christa: "Rachel will come and save me...any minute now."
*still at the strip club.
Rachel: "The Phantom of the Opera is here. I am so happy. I think I am forgetting about something important...oh well."
*torch is starting to light the stake.
Christa: "...any minute now."

Fri, May. 26th, 2006 11:59 pm (UTC)

Rachel: *rubs head* I sense a disturbance. I need to go. Can you come with me?
Phantom: I'm not a prostitute
Rachel: Please?
Phantom: No
Rachel: ... I'll pay you $100 to come with me
Phantom: Fine, but I'm not screwing you. I still have my dignity. Well, if I'm leaving, I better put my pants on
Rachel: You don't have to!
Phantom: ... Yeah, I'm going to put my pants on
Rachel: Damn
Christa: ... any minute now

Thu, Jun. 1st, 2006 07:18 pm (UTC)

*Phantom returns in full costume.
Rachel: "I am the happiest girl in the world right now."
Phantom: "Now where are we going the the first place?"
Rachel: "I sensed a disturbance. I will follow my senses until I find the source of the disturbance."
Phantom: "...Riiiiight."
*Woman walks by in a outfit that looks like Christine's.
Phantom: "Christine...My love!"
Woman that looks like Christine: "OH MY GOD!!! A HOT STALKER!!!"
*The Phantom and the woman that looks like Christine walk off together.
Rachel: *cry. "Some girls get all the luck."

Thu, Jun. 1st, 2006 11:07 pm (UTC)

Rachel: Well, I better head to the courthouse.
*A few minutes later...*
Rachel: Christa! (the chip starting kicking in) Are you okay?
*notices a charred Christa*
Rachel: Oh shit... um...
Demon Janitor: *suddenly appears* o.o Oh my god
Rachel: Um, don't worry! We can bring her back!
Demon Janitor: Wouldn't that be playing God?
Rachel: So what?
Demon #4: Can't argue with that logic ^^
Demon Janitor: Where did you come from?
Rachel: *performs a ritual to resurrect Christa* There! Good as new and with no repercussions!
Christa: Ugh... brains...

Mon, Jun. 5th, 2006 09:52 pm (UTC)

Zombie Christa: "Must work...at Walmart."
Walmart manager: "Thanks to the WOOP cult, we don't have to hire any more workers. Thank you WOOP cult."
Illegal Immigrants: "Kill the Cult!! They are taking our jobs!!"

Mon, Jun. 5th, 2006 11:16 pm (UTC)

(Behold the miracle of subtitles!)
Illegal Immigrant #1: We must destroy the cult and its zombies!
Other Illegal Immigrants: Yeah! They took our jobs!
Illegal Immigrant #1: CHARGE!
Manager: Oh no. The immigrants are revolting. *speaks into a walkie talkie* Activate "Kill Mode"
Voice on the other line: Can't you ever call to say 'hi'? It's always "activate blah blah mode" I have feelings too, you know! *sob* *activates kill mode*
Zombies: *eat the immigrants* Mmm... Mexican food!
Rachel: I'm beginning to wonder if I've created a monster...
Demon Janitor: Pffh. Nonsense.
Illegal Immigrant: AHHH!! MY ENTRAILS!!! Argghh... sploosh

Sun, Jun. 18th, 2006 03:22 pm (UTC)

Announcement over load speaker: "Clean up aisle 1 through 246."
Demon Janitor: "This is going to take a while."
Rachel: "Stop complaining and get to work. I love being a manager."

Sun, Jun. 18th, 2006 08:31 pm (UTC)

Manager: Rachel! We've got problems.
Rachel: The diseased fish escaped again?
Little Boy: Hey, mommy! Look at the fishie! He's so cute!
Fish: RAWR! *grab the boy*
Little Boy: *Scream!* Someone save me
Priest: I'll save you, little boy... *lustful stare*
Little Boy: Can someone ELSE save me?
Mother: Alright! I'm free of that little bastard!! WHEE!! *runs out of the store*
Manager: No. Not that. It seems the virus we put in the employees is mutating and we cannot control them anymore.
Rachel: Well, how bad is it?
Zombie: Welcome to Wal-Mart... *tear the Manager apart*
Rachel: *pokes Manager's lifeless body with a stick* How rude! You didn't answer my question! I asked you, "How bad is it?" Answer me!
Zombies: Welcome to Wal-Mart...

Wed, Jun. 21st, 2006 05:28 pm (UTC)

Rachel smacks the zombies away.
Rachel: "Not now, I am busy asking the manager how bad you zombies are mutating."
Zombies look at each other, then look at Rachel.
Rachel: "Well don't just stand their. Get back to work."
The zombies all went back to work, they didn't want to get smacked by Rachel.

Thu, Jun. 22nd, 2006 02:56 am (UTC)

Rachel: Anyway, it's time to unveil my latest diabolical scheme!
Demon Janitor: Latest diabolical scheme? *sweatdrops* This is going to fail
Rachel: *smack* Quiet you! Now then, *spotlight over Rachel* *podium rises from the ground* it's time to reveal my brilliant plan! *confetti*
Demon Janitor: *sweatdrops more* Cheesy. Very cheesy
Rachel: *throws confetti in Demon Janitor's face* I said shut up! For my next plan, we shall... paint male genitals outside on the walls of Wal-Mart!
Demon Janitor: THAT was your diabolical scheme? I'm deeply ashamed to call you, "master".
Rachel: *glare* Are you questioning my brilliant mastermind?
Demon Janitor: I'm just saying that the phrase "diabolical scheme" usually implies an action immoral. I don't think painting genitals on a wall qualifies as a "diabolical scheme".
Rachel: Are you suggesting genitals are moral?
Demon Janitor: I'm just saying painting genitals on a wall isn't as immoral as murder or rape. A truly "diabolical scheme" should imply an immoral act.
Rachel: But it is considered immoral to show genitals in a movie or TV show. So, therefore, painting genitals on a wall for the public to see could be immoral.
(I am the only person who could create a somewhat intellectual debate about genitals...)

Mon, Jul. 10th, 2006 02:50 pm (UTC)

*After being forced to paint male genitals all over the walls at Walmart.
Demon Janitor: "I still don't think this is very diabolical."
Rachel: "I thought I told you to shut up."
Random Walmart customer: "Oh look they got a new paint job for Walmart, how nice."
Rachel: "Are you not offended by the immoral pictures?"
Random Walmart customer: "They aren't that bad."
Demon Janitor: "I told you."

Mon, Jul. 10th, 2006 06:44 pm (UTC)

Rachel: Okay. Plan C!
Demon Janitor: Wouldn't this be Plan B?
Rachel: Silence! *smack* *cell phone rings* *Rachel gasps* It is the Hell Cell!
Demon Janitor: Hell Cell? Dare I ask?
Rachel: It is a cell phone made of hell fire. With it, the demons of Hell may contact me. [The Hell Cell is available where satanic merchandise are sold] *answers Hell Cell* Hello? *listens* *suddenly gasps* Yes master! I shall obey! *hangs up the Hell Cell* We have a mission! This calls for the mission banner! *pulls a rope and a giant "Diabolical Mission" banner falls* *confetti flies*
Demon Janitor: Why do you have that in Wal-Mart?
Rachel: No time for that! Master says there is an escaped demon lurking in this Wal-Mart and we must catch it! But we must not allow others to see what we are doing, so we will use disguises. *Rachel puts on a hat and mustache* Time for your disguise. *puts Demon Janitor in a dress, wig and make-up*
Demon Janitor: This is humiliating...
Rachel: Quiet and follow my lead *goes up to random Wal-Mart employee* Excuse me, but have you noticed any customers with an evil aura? My wife and I need to find him or her.
Demon Janitor: Why am I the wife? *is punched*
Rachel: Shut up and do as you're told! *remembers the disguises* Um, honey.
Random Wal-Mart Employee: Brains... brains... ugh...

Tue, Jul. 11th, 2006 01:52 pm (UTC)

Escaped demon: "Finally I am free from the world of demons. Now I can take over this pathetic human world."
Demon Janitor sees the escaped demon.
Demon Janitor: "Master, the escaped demon is right..."
Rachel smacks the Demon Janitor.
Rachel: "I thought I told you to shut up! I am getting information from this employee."
Walmart Employee zombie: "Brains..."

Wed, Jul. 12th, 2006 03:02 am (UTC)

Rachel: So, you're saying "brains" are the key to discovering the location of this escaped demon?
Random Wal-Mart Employee Zombie: Welcome to Wal-Mart.... brains... ugh...
Rachel: Now we're getting somewhere! Quickly, to the male underwear section!
Demon Janitor: Why?
Rachel: Duh. The demon could be buying underwear!
Demon Janitor: You're just looking for an excuse so you can stare at the models.
Rachel: No! *pause* Yes.
Escaped demon: Nothing can stop my reign over this pathetic human world. Nothing! Ooooh... muffins! *admires the muffins on display*
*A few minutes later...*
Demon Janitor: Ma'am, the demon is right...
Rachel: *drags the Demon Janitor towards the men's clothes department*
Demon Janitor: *siiigh* I hate my job

Fri, Jul. 14th, 2006 02:02 pm (UTC)

Escaped Demon: "Hmm...I can't decide on what muffin to get. I like blueberries, but they also have a chocolate muffin. It is so hard to choose."
Rachel: "Excuse me sir but while you try on underwear could you put on this."
Random male customer: "Umm...isn't that a Phantom of the Opera mask?"
Rachel: "Why yes it is."
Random male customer: "...you are obsessed."
Rachel: "YOUR LYING!!!"
Demon Janitor: "I am going to go look for the escaped demon...you have fun."

Fri, Jul. 14th, 2006 04:31 pm (UTC)

Rachel: Fine! Lets go "fulfill" our duty and find the escaped demon! Will that make you happy?!
Demon Janitor: Why yes. Yes it would make me happy
Rachel: Oh! I see how it is! *leaves in a huff*
Demon Janitor: ... What the hell is wrong with her?
Escaped Demon: *gasps* They have chocolate chip muffins with frosting! So delicious...

Sat, Jul. 15th, 2006 02:15 pm (UTC)

A person wearing all white walks up to the demon as he is still trying to decide on what muffin to get.
Person in white: "Excuse me. You wouldn't happen to be a demon that just escaped from the dimension of demons would you?"
Escaped Demon: "Why yes. But how would you know?"
Person in white: "Oh...no reason...other than me being an angel who was sent to force you back into your world."
Escaped Demon: "Oh, well that sounds nice...Wait a minute."
The angel pulls out a hammer.
Angel: "With this hammer of holy might I send you back from which you came."
Escaped Demon: "But I haven't had my muffin yet."
The angel strikes the demon on the head and the demon disappears from existence.
(The demon never got his muffin. So sad.)

Mon, Jul. 17th, 2006 02:47 am (UTC)

Rachel: *pauses* Why am I storming off? *stops*
Angel: *glances at Rachel*
Rachel: *stares at angel*
*Awkward silence*
Cricket: *chirps*
Rachel: *squish*
*More awkward silence*
Rachel: Nice dress
Angel: It's a robe
Rachel: Dress
Angel: No! It's a robe! It is the manditory uniform my race is required to wear! Don't judge me! *raises the Hammer of Holy Might*
Rachel: Oooh! Big glowing hammer! *takes*
Angel: *whiny voice* Hey... That's mine!
Rachel: *giggle* With this, I can cause all sorts of chaos and mischief!
Angel: What?! No! The Hammer of Holy Might is NOT a toy!! Return the device immediately!
Rachel: What's that? "Go around and destroy things with this hammer?" Sounds fun! *runs off*
Angel: No fair!
Escaped demon: *reappears in Hell* Oh crap
Satan: Don't worry. We have muffins
Escaped demon: Really?
Satan: But they are *glare* BADLY BURNT!
Escaped demon: Noooooooooooo!!